stream of consciousness 1

 No one needs to read me, because I read me. I will remember me. I will remember how obsessed I was with words in high school, and beyond. Until I learned the stretch of words, how they don't stretch far enough. Tacky filled with holes that the act of naming things is.

I don't have to make sense. I will make sense to myself in the future. I hope. My grammar makes sense to me. And it shall in the future. Grammar is kind of engrained in us. I love that.

I can't smoke at my new job.

I did smoke just now. 

My DBT group therapist told us today that we should journal. Journalling has never come easier to me than through the keyboard.

Maybe I've been trying to force myself to write too much. I feel a little autistic. When I was little, I woke up one day and decided it would be totally doable to write out the exact happenings of my entire day. So I took out a journal and pen and wrote, "I woke up and decided to write everything that happens today."

I told my elementary school librarian of my plan, after much arduous work of writing down the fact of my having travelled to school to arrive at the library, and she said something light and lightly laced with disbelief in the enormity and complexity of my task, but not enough to hurt my feelings. I wish I remember what she said. I'm too busy focused on my own words. Constantly correcting myself. I write so I can edit. I am editing right now. added more description. but i have to stop that. i have to just keep going forward. Never edit. Not in these lines.

I can't edit in real life.

I'm listening to Yaeji, "I'll Remember For Me, I'll Remember For You". 

Maybe I have ADHD too.

Yes, let's keep adding to my list of self-diagnoses. LMAO.

I will try to journal in here more often.

tomorrow - 3/1/24

. call chatfield auto body

. therapy 3 pm

. nothing else

. DON'T GET HIGH

.organize my DBT files

.go to a yoga class

.walk Lilah 2x

things to talk to Kritika about:

1. i am much more social in a pressure-free kind of way in DBT group online.  i don't feel so alien/dissociated in my own body.

    example: I just blurted out some regurgitated line from Masaru about people being image-obsessed at a dermatology office. i let the fact that i blurt it out settle into my mind and body - something i had just said and how I should feel about it. this process wasn't stymied by anxiety about how me blurting that out was perceived. i let myself process how this regurgitation of another person's observation felt to me - was there a possibility that i am possibly recalcitrant and, though i fit the image of a dermatology practice, i resist being pigeonholed or defined in any way? Something along those lines was able to pass through my mind as an impression, a feeling, a half formed thought. not all anxiety laden.

2. edmr / inner child work

3. i want to be formless in my relationships. i hate people defining me because i am an aquarius venus. 

4. i love astrology.

other things: i am trying to read Carl Jung's entry level book. Man and His Symbols. Something like that. 

I am going to buy myself a safe in which to lock away my vape pen so i only smoke at most once a week. a puff here or there to have a fun time by myself. or with friends.

not doing anymore weed.

 Hi all,

This is copied over from my journal to my blog. I like making myself accountable - "to the stars" sometimes I'll say, but more so, it's so I can be accountable to humans. I want to be a good human. And also I want to feel connected to the universe, but for me that cannot bypass humanity and the human mind. I think my human-ness is where I can find the most joy. And drugs take me out of my human-ness. Drugs make me short sighted, feeling like just because with drugs I can think so-called "out of this world" thoughts, that I can solve my life's problems with them. But anyway, today I made the decision not to use drugs anymore, and this is my journal entry about it, after the cut. 

a mini tour of little things

 

i have, from left to right, my little stormed glass box, it opens up to just miscellaneous tools and extras that i throw in from my makeup. my small bottle of le labo perfume, little sample size items of skincare, deodorant, and behind that deodorant, a jewelry tree. and next to the deodorant, if you think that's a purple pokeball, it's not, it's an eye cream/eye brightener from tatcha ^-^ Then my mirror, and in front of the mirror my lip colors. The super bright pink one is from Trixie Mattel ^-^ then there's some tools like sunscreen and (you can't see it) a gua sha stone. In the gold frame tray, i have a cup of brushes, a cup of tools (flashlight, scissors, candle lighter, etc.), and my go-to makeup.

Hope you enjoyed the mini tour :)

a diary of things

 today i did a lot of things, and bought a lot of things.

i bought the dyson airstyler. which i am going to immediately complain about to Dyson when it arrives, because the newest iteration they put out has one less attachment brush than the previous iterations, but still costs the same. plus it doesn't have the hard leather case, either, but instead a soft, foldable "travel case". They should charge at least $70 less!

i bought sunless tanner at Target. they are having a "14 days of beauty" event going on, where every day a different item in the beauty section is discounted. today was the day I was waiting for, because the sunless tanners were on sale for 30% off! Woo! as I type to you, I am a lovely shade of golden creme brulee.

i love my room now. it is my oasis. it has everything i need.

my room has curtains, on a curtain rod that holds two layers of drapes, sheer ones, and blackout curtains so i can envelop myself in complete darkness for sleep. that's the only way I can sleep.

it has my beautiful desk.

it has a very comfortable twin size mattress from Helix. with sumptuous linen sheets from Etsy, and a beautiful abstract cloud-design duvet cover from West Elm. The comforter itself is from Buffy.

my room has an armchair which is the perfect width for sitting back in and giving myself pedicures. the armchair also folds out into another bed, should anyone ever stay over.

it has a humidifier. it gives me blissful sleep. 

it has candles. it has a lamp. a ceiling fan.

the items I use less often: the TV. the foot spa my friend gifted me recently for my birthday! n_n but when I do use the foot spa, man is it a relaxing, fun time. my meditation cushion. I am getting back into the habit of meditating again, so this last item is getting more use.

i love my room. the only thing i can't do in my room anymore is yoga, because there is now not enough floor space in my room to do yoga. A shame. 

i love the color of my nails right now! they are the color of green olives!

it's going to be my birthday soon. i'll need to pack a bag for the weekend. Max, Kitty, John, and I are going to drive to Glenwood Springs on Saturday and stay overnight at a hotel. we'll soak in the hot springs and play games in our hotel room, maybe watch a movie, or whatnot.

I turn 31 on the 30th. I am having a low-intensity, simmering midlife crisis. wondering what i should do next in terms of career.

life is good, though. i'm sure I'll figure it out :) 

swervy

 Jeesh,

I feel like I am totally hungover. I'm just gonna keep writing until something good comes out, okay? 

Why do I talk better with my fingers than I do with my mouth? I don't know. I feel like my fingers can keep up with me; these mobile, nimble agents. And then my mouth is part of my face, which I am ever so conscious of. Ever since I was little, people would ask me the same questions. Something about my accent, and something about my race. "Why can't I understand her?" "Oh, because she's nguoi hue, nguoi hue are so hard to understand." "Con, is one of your parents white?" I don't even remember what I used to answer them. I didn't know how those questions applied to me. But one thing for sure is I've always felt a little bit different.

I have been hurt so many times before in the past. Hurt in ways that I didn't even comprehend at the time. A lot of emotions, among them anger, have been pouring forth from me lately when I sit and reflect on the experiences I've had directly tied to, or in the parameters of, sex. I have such a topsy turvy landscape of sexual relationships, or relationships that were tinged with sexual elements. But, just in general, my relationships - with myself, and with others - and the subconscious forces at play in those relationships have been an object of scrutiny by me, using the lens of feminism and trauma-informed psychological mumbo jumbo that I've mosaicked together from my desultory readings. It's bringing up a lot of feelings and it's depressing my mood, and I've got to go back to therapy for this shit now.

But this year is going to be SO. GOOD. I can feel it! I'm turning 31 at the end of this month, and I've lost 10 pounds, and still going to lose a bit more. I'm feeling a bit more attractive. Don't get me wrong, I still think I'm cute when I am heavier - and this was the first time I ever let myself get heavier, so now I know that I'm still cute :D But I just want to control my appearance a little to fit my aesthetic. I'm bougie like that, making efforts heedless of expense to attain my standard of living. Also, I'm a healthy, cosseted little Asian girl, and so I should keep some firmness in my body to show that I'm not a total layabout. 

I probably shouldn't talk about myself like that, saying things like "cosseted little Asian girl." It is devaluing myself, as I am more than a girl. I am not little. I may be cosseted by my parents, compared to many, but I am of a breed that was born well and tries to live well, in health and in deed. 

Life is so good right now. I am still living with my parents. Max is still living with his. My room is so badass. I finally have this desk that took 6 months to get to me. I supported an indie company on a crowdfunding website. I ordered the desk back in September or October, and I finally got it delivered to me on Thursday. Max and my dad put it together for me. It is like a sculpture in my room, a piece of art. I feel like I can do anything at this desk!

I'll talk to you later.

Bao

Always Here, Moving

Hello old friend!

It's been almost two years since I last wrote in here. As you can imagine, things have changed significantly. I just want to let you know that I am here, happy and healthy, always learning new things. I hope the same can be said of you.

I know it is futile and feels a bit forced to try to represent everything that's happened in the last two years to you. But that's how it's got to be sometimes, so here's a quick recapitulation of this time...

Max and I moved back in with his parents in May of 2017. My parents purchased a home that summer. I got a new job in December, which I am so happy to have.

2018 was a year of adjustment. I gained a bit of weight and, with a need for a new wardrobe, got into slow fashion. I made an important move of vindicating my past by joining into the #metoo movement, related to my days as a student in college. I took back my power. Also, I reconnected with my friends from high school!

My love and I took a vacation to Tulum, Mexico in June 2019 to celebrate our fifth year anniversary. But for a few months after our anniversary, he and I went our separate ways. I experienced an upset and needed to take some time... My parents have had a room reserved for me in their house since day one, even though I was living with Max. I moved in with them. I love my family so much.

Now Max and I have a new anniversary date. Because we still live apart, we are reforging our bond with intention and respect. Everything feels familiar yet new, and I am so grateful for a chance to try again. I like the fact that our new anniversary date is so playful and cute, but I don't want to tell you what it is. Not yet, anyway.

There. Was that vague enough for you?! Hehe. But seriously... looking back on my old blog posts here, I am struck by how much I thought that living a good life meant "arriving" somewhere else. In my last couple posts, I related to you my struggle with the job I had, and how I had cut my hours down to part-time, and then fully quit, in order to find my true calling...

Fast forward to me today. I am much more settled into life and finding contentment in the everyday living of it. There is no arriving anywhere. There is only being here, and always moving. Life is like that.

I'm still a dreamer, but I've gotten more grounded. I'm a woman stepping into a river. I love you and thank you for wading in a little bit with me.

How to Become Your Own Boss (When You Are a Special Snowflake Named Bao)

Dear lovies,

Yes, today you are lovies, because after all isn't it the month of love?

Don't judge me too harshly for totally buying into the Valentine's vibes. It's also Black History Month here in the states, so there might be love vibes for me from that, too, to be honest and true n_n

I know there are reasons to celebrate every day, not just one designated span of time, but I still honor the titles and significance we collectively bequeath days and months. The fact alone that certain ideals deserve at least a day for us all, in our communities, to hold and share their significance is pretty great don't you think?

Anyhoo, today I wanted to share something more personal with you, about the work I did internally to reach the decision to quit my job. When I shared the news with you, I spoke in a lot of generalities about my reasons why, and that's not what I want for us, to remain always on a level of platitudes and generalities. Also, I think the possibility exists to spark compassion and insight in others by sharing my own story of working towards compassion and insight with myself.

So, I don't know how to begin other than by beginning... here is some of the work that I did to reach where I am today, broken down into steps the best that I could manage.