No one needs to read me, because I read me. I will remember me. I will remember how obsessed I was with words in high school, and beyond. Until I learned the stretch of words, how they don't stretch far enough. Tacky filled with holes that the act of naming things is.
I don't have to make sense. I will make sense to myself in the future. I hope. My grammar makes sense to me. And it shall in the future. Grammar is kind of engrained in us. I love that.
I can't smoke at my new job.
I did smoke just now.
My DBT group therapist told us today that we should journal. Journalling has never come easier to me than through the keyboard.
Maybe I've been trying to force myself to write too much. I feel a little autistic. When I was little, I woke up one day and decided it would be totally doable to write out the exact happenings of my entire day. So I took out a journal and pen and wrote, "I woke up and decided to write everything that happens today."
I told my elementary school librarian of my plan, after much arduous work of writing down the fact of my having travelled to school to arrive at the library, and she said something light and lightly laced with disbelief in the enormity and complexity of my task, but not enough to hurt my feelings. I wish I remember what she said. I'm too busy focused on my own words. Constantly correcting myself. I write so I can edit. I am editing right now. added more description. but i have to stop that. i have to just keep going forward. Never edit. Not in these lines.
I can't edit in real life.
I'm listening to Yaeji, "I'll Remember For Me, I'll Remember For You".
Maybe I have ADHD too.
Yes, let's keep adding to my list of self-diagnoses. LMAO.
I will try to journal in here more often.
tomorrow - 3/1/24
. call chatfield auto body
. therapy 3 pm
. nothing else
. DON'T GET HIGH
.organize my DBT files
.go to a yoga class
.walk Lilah 2x
things to talk to Kritika about:
1. i am much more social in a pressure-free kind of way in DBT group online. i don't feel so alien/dissociated in my own body.
example: I just blurted out some regurgitated line from Masaru about people being image-obsessed at a dermatology office. i let the fact that i blurt it out settle into my mind and body - something i had just said and how I should feel about it. this process wasn't stymied by anxiety about how me blurting that out was perceived. i let myself process how this regurgitation of another person's observation felt to me - was there a possibility that i am possibly recalcitrant and, though i fit the image of a dermatology practice, i resist being pigeonholed or defined in any way? Something along those lines was able to pass through my mind as an impression, a feeling, a half formed thought. not all anxiety laden.
2. edmr / inner child work
3. i want to be formless in my relationships. i hate people defining me because i am an aquarius venus.
4. i love astrology.
other things: i am trying to read Carl Jung's entry level book. Man and His Symbols. Something like that.
I am going to buy myself a safe in which to lock away my vape pen so i only smoke at most once a week. a puff here or there to have a fun time by myself. or with friends.