stream of consciousness 1

 No one needs to read me, because I read me. I will remember me. I will remember how obsessed I was with words in high school, and beyond. Until I learned the stretch of words, how they don't stretch far enough. Tacky filled with holes that the act of naming things is.

I don't have to make sense. I will make sense to myself in the future. I hope. My grammar makes sense to me. And it shall in the future. Grammar is kind of engrained in us. I love that.

I can't smoke at my new job.

I did smoke just now. 

My DBT group therapist told us today that we should journal. Journalling has never come easier to me than through the keyboard.

Maybe I've been trying to force myself to write too much. I feel a little autistic. When I was little, I woke up one day and decided it would be totally doable to write out the exact happenings of my entire day. So I took out a journal and pen and wrote, "I woke up and decided to write everything that happens today."

I told my elementary school librarian of my plan, after much arduous work of writing down the fact of my having travelled to school to arrive at the library, and she said something light and lightly laced with disbelief in the enormity and complexity of my task, but not enough to hurt my feelings. I wish I remember what she said. I'm too busy focused on my own words. Constantly correcting myself. I write so I can edit. I am editing right now. added more description. but i have to stop that. i have to just keep going forward. Never edit. Not in these lines.

I can't edit in real life.

I'm listening to Yaeji, "I'll Remember For Me, I'll Remember For You". 

Maybe I have ADHD too.

Yes, let's keep adding to my list of self-diagnoses. LMAO.

I will try to journal in here more often.

tomorrow - 3/1/24

. call chatfield auto body

. therapy 3 pm

. nothing else

. DON'T GET HIGH

.organize my DBT files

.go to a yoga class

.walk Lilah 2x

things to talk to Kritika about:

1. i am much more social in a pressure-free kind of way in DBT group online.  i don't feel so alien/dissociated in my own body.

    example: I just blurted out some regurgitated line from Masaru about people being image-obsessed at a dermatology office. i let the fact that i blurt it out settle into my mind and body - something i had just said and how I should feel about it. this process wasn't stymied by anxiety about how me blurting that out was perceived. i let myself process how this regurgitation of another person's observation felt to me - was there a possibility that i am possibly recalcitrant and, though i fit the image of a dermatology practice, i resist being pigeonholed or defined in any way? Something along those lines was able to pass through my mind as an impression, a feeling, a half formed thought. not all anxiety laden.

2. edmr / inner child work

3. i want to be formless in my relationships. i hate people defining me because i am an aquarius venus. 

4. i love astrology.

other things: i am trying to read Carl Jung's entry level book. Man and His Symbols. Something like that. 

I am going to buy myself a safe in which to lock away my vape pen so i only smoke at most once a week. a puff here or there to have a fun time by myself. or with friends.

not doing anymore weed.

 Hi all,

This is copied over from my journal to my blog. I like making myself accountable - "to the stars" sometimes I'll say, but more so, it's so I can be accountable to humans. I want to be a good human. And also I want to feel connected to the universe, but for me that cannot bypass humanity and the human mind. I think my human-ness is where I can find the most joy. And drugs take me out of my human-ness. Drugs make me short sighted, feeling like just because with drugs I can think so-called "out of this world" thoughts, that I can solve my life's problems with them. But anyway, today I made the decision not to use drugs anymore, and this is my journal entry about it, after the cut. 

Life Catch-Up, and Mini Meininger Haul

On our way to our favorite Mexican restaurant :)

Hi, friends! Long time, no see! Again!

Again, I'm really, really sorry! :( I promise to be better!

True, Max pushed me to work on my blog tonight, instead of putting it off for a couple days... but I did have full intentions of coming back full force this year! I will be posting at least once a week this whole year! So you're going to get to know me a lot better! :)

I couldn't possibly tell you everything I've been up to since the last time I wrote, but, well, actually, my life is pretty uneventful, so maybe I could. Some big highlights, though:

• I started bullet journaling. And I freaking. Love it!
• I started working part time.
• I redecorated my room!

So, yeah, that wasn't so hard to sum up, actually! Hehehe.

The first week of 2017 has been chill so far for Max and me. We're coming down from the holidays, still, ya know? Plus, winter in Colorado finally started acting like winter this past week, and we've used that, too, as an excuse to not get out of the house off of our lazy bums ^^''

Today, though, we finally went out. I needed to go to Meininger for some bujo - that's short for bullet journal - supplies, and then I wanted to visit my parents in their mountain-cabin-esque house. (Oh my gosh, where my parents are living now is a story in itself - but it's their own, private story to tell, hehe.) On the way, though, we made a pit stop at our favorite little family-run Mexican restaurant in the Highlands neighborhood, where they make their own fresh tortilla chips, and the best Micheladas ever, and where we haven't had a single bad meal!

Very quick little shoot outside the restaurant, La Taqueria Mexicana, as we were excited to eat here more than anything! It's been a while for us, since this place is out of our way now. We found it when we were living in our old neighborhood n_n

Also, this is the only picture that showed my shoes, too :P

I'm wearing the coat that Maksym got me for Christmas from Greylin. If you guys can tell me what style blogger I copied this coat from, I will send you some airkisses, because that will mean that you and I follow the same influencers online, and in this huge, internet sea, that is quite some affinity-driven coincidence!

Oh, and isn't it great how Pantone named green-gold, or chartreuse as I like to say, the color of the year? That has been my favorite color for quite some time now, so I couldn't be more pleased with the choice! It makes it feel like this is gonna be a good year for me, my year :)

Max missed you guys but he, too, was more interested in tacos at the time ;P

Anyhoo, yes, onward with our journey, we went to my parents' house. We indulged in my new favorite drink to warm up on cold winter days: Lipton tea, mixed with cane sugar and ginger slices. I worked on my bullet journal, and that continued into the next couple of hours, and after we went back home, too.

Here's my little Meininger haul. I don't know how many states Meininger is in, or if it's unique to Colorado, but it's a great art store. It has notebooks and pencils and pens galore, and Max had to drag me out of there today! I behaved and only got my essentials:

Red Fabriano notebook, which is now serving as my trusty bujo, and some fountain ink refills for my Safari LAMY pen :)

Have you heard of Fabriano notebooks? I hadn't until I found them on display at Meininger one day. I fell in love with them slowly, and then all at once! They have the dot-grid that most bullet journalers want, but the grid is smaller than in Leuchturm or Moleskine notebooks. The cover is not as bendable as the Moleskine ones, or as thick and official feeling as the Leuchturms - they're just right in between, so I don't feel bad about tossing it in my purse. They have no fuss to them - just 80 sheets, a little pocket in the back, and no bookmark ribbon which I never paid attention to, anyway.

Some of my favorite tools, in my current favorite colors :) Notice the green gold? :)

Hung out in my sister's bed today working on my bujo. She had already gone back to her college town :(

Well, that's all I have to show you today, lovely readers and friends! n_n

I will be back soon -- I promise - with my hand on my heart - I will be back - soon - very soon!

So, until next time, babies!

Love,

Bao