stream of consciousness 1

 No one needs to read me, because I read me. I will remember me. I will remember how obsessed I was with words in high school, and beyond. Until I learned the stretch of words, how they don't stretch far enough. Tacky filled with holes that the act of naming things is.

I don't have to make sense. I will make sense to myself in the future. I hope. My grammar makes sense to me. And it shall in the future. Grammar is kind of engrained in us. I love that.

I can't smoke at my new job.

I did smoke just now. 

My DBT group therapist told us today that we should journal. Journalling has never come easier to me than through the keyboard.

Maybe I've been trying to force myself to write too much. I feel a little autistic. When I was little, I woke up one day and decided it would be totally doable to write out the exact happenings of my entire day. So I took out a journal and pen and wrote, "I woke up and decided to write everything that happens today."

I told my elementary school librarian of my plan, after much arduous work of writing down the fact of my having travelled to school to arrive at the library, and she said something light and lightly laced with disbelief in the enormity and complexity of my task, but not enough to hurt my feelings. I wish I remember what she said. I'm too busy focused on my own words. Constantly correcting myself. I write so I can edit. I am editing right now. added more description. but i have to stop that. i have to just keep going forward. Never edit. Not in these lines.

I can't edit in real life.

I'm listening to Yaeji, "I'll Remember For Me, I'll Remember For You". 

Maybe I have ADHD too.

Yes, let's keep adding to my list of self-diagnoses. LMAO.

I will try to journal in here more often.

tomorrow - 3/1/24

. call chatfield auto body

. therapy 3 pm

. nothing else

. DON'T GET HIGH

.organize my DBT files

.go to a yoga class

.walk Lilah 2x

things to talk to Kritika about:

1. i am much more social in a pressure-free kind of way in DBT group online.  i don't feel so alien/dissociated in my own body.

    example: I just blurted out some regurgitated line from Masaru about people being image-obsessed at a dermatology office. i let the fact that i blurt it out settle into my mind and body - something i had just said and how I should feel about it. this process wasn't stymied by anxiety about how me blurting that out was perceived. i let myself process how this regurgitation of another person's observation felt to me - was there a possibility that i am possibly recalcitrant and, though i fit the image of a dermatology practice, i resist being pigeonholed or defined in any way? Something along those lines was able to pass through my mind as an impression, a feeling, a half formed thought. not all anxiety laden.

2. edmr / inner child work

3. i want to be formless in my relationships. i hate people defining me because i am an aquarius venus. 

4. i love astrology.

other things: i am trying to read Carl Jung's entry level book. Man and His Symbols. Something like that. 

I am going to buy myself a safe in which to lock away my vape pen so i only smoke at most once a week. a puff here or there to have a fun time by myself. or with friends.

not doing anymore weed.

 Hi all,

This is copied over from my journal to my blog. I like making myself accountable - "to the stars" sometimes I'll say, but more so, it's so I can be accountable to humans. I want to be a good human. And also I want to feel connected to the universe, but for me that cannot bypass humanity and the human mind. I think my human-ness is where I can find the most joy. And drugs take me out of my human-ness. Drugs make me short sighted, feeling like just because with drugs I can think so-called "out of this world" thoughts, that I can solve my life's problems with them. But anyway, today I made the decision not to use drugs anymore, and this is my journal entry about it, after the cut. 

swervy

 Jeesh,

I feel like I am totally hungover. I'm just gonna keep writing until something good comes out, okay? 

Why do I talk better with my fingers than I do with my mouth? I don't know. I feel like my fingers can keep up with me; these mobile, nimble agents. And then my mouth is part of my face, which I am ever so conscious of. Ever since I was little, people would ask me the same questions. Something about my accent, and something about my race. "Why can't I understand her?" "Oh, because she's nguoi hue, nguoi hue are so hard to understand." "Con, is one of your parents white?" I don't even remember what I used to answer them. I didn't know how those questions applied to me. But one thing for sure is I've always felt a little bit different.

I have been hurt so many times before in the past. Hurt in ways that I didn't even comprehend at the time. A lot of emotions, among them anger, have been pouring forth from me lately when I sit and reflect on the experiences I've had directly tied to, or in the parameters of, sex. I have such a topsy turvy landscape of sexual relationships, or relationships that were tinged with sexual elements. But, just in general, my relationships - with myself, and with others - and the subconscious forces at play in those relationships have been an object of scrutiny by me, using the lens of feminism and trauma-informed psychological mumbo jumbo that I've mosaicked together from my desultory readings. It's bringing up a lot of feelings and it's depressing my mood, and I've got to go back to therapy for this shit now.

But this year is going to be SO. GOOD. I can feel it! I'm turning 31 at the end of this month, and I've lost 10 pounds, and still going to lose a bit more. I'm feeling a bit more attractive. Don't get me wrong, I still think I'm cute when I am heavier - and this was the first time I ever let myself get heavier, so now I know that I'm still cute :D But I just want to control my appearance a little to fit my aesthetic. I'm bougie like that, making efforts heedless of expense to attain my standard of living. Also, I'm a healthy, cosseted little Asian girl, and so I should keep some firmness in my body to show that I'm not a total layabout. 

I probably shouldn't talk about myself like that, saying things like "cosseted little Asian girl." It is devaluing myself, as I am more than a girl. I am not little. I may be cosseted by my parents, compared to many, but I am of a breed that was born well and tries to live well, in health and in deed. 

Life is so good right now. I am still living with my parents. Max is still living with his. My room is so badass. I finally have this desk that took 6 months to get to me. I supported an indie company on a crowdfunding website. I ordered the desk back in September or October, and I finally got it delivered to me on Thursday. Max and my dad put it together for me. It is like a sculpture in my room, a piece of art. I feel like I can do anything at this desk!

I'll talk to you later.

Bao

Always Here, Moving

Hello old friend!

It's been almost two years since I last wrote in here. As you can imagine, things have changed significantly. I just want to let you know that I am here, happy and healthy, always learning new things. I hope the same can be said of you.

I know it is futile and feels a bit forced to try to represent everything that's happened in the last two years to you. But that's how it's got to be sometimes, so here's a quick recapitulation of this time...

Max and I moved back in with his parents in May of 2017. My parents purchased a home that summer. I got a new job in December, which I am so happy to have.

2018 was a year of adjustment. I gained a bit of weight and, with a need for a new wardrobe, got into slow fashion. I made an important move of vindicating my past by joining into the #metoo movement, related to my days as a student in college. I took back my power. Also, I reconnected with my friends from high school!

My love and I took a vacation to Tulum, Mexico in June 2019 to celebrate our fifth year anniversary. But for a few months after our anniversary, he and I went our separate ways. I experienced an upset and needed to take some time... My parents have had a room reserved for me in their house since day one, even though I was living with Max. I moved in with them. I love my family so much.

Now Max and I have a new anniversary date. Because we still live apart, we are reforging our bond with intention and respect. Everything feels familiar yet new, and I am so grateful for a chance to try again. I like the fact that our new anniversary date is so playful and cute, but I don't want to tell you what it is. Not yet, anyway.

There. Was that vague enough for you?! Hehe. But seriously... looking back on my old blog posts here, I am struck by how much I thought that living a good life meant "arriving" somewhere else. In my last couple posts, I related to you my struggle with the job I had, and how I had cut my hours down to part-time, and then fully quit, in order to find my true calling...

Fast forward to me today. I am much more settled into life and finding contentment in the everyday living of it. There is no arriving anywhere. There is only being here, and always moving. Life is like that.

I'm still a dreamer, but I've gotten more grounded. I'm a woman stepping into a river. I love you and thank you for wading in a little bit with me.

Fog Lifting

Hi, friends, Bao here.

I'm sliding into here on the last day of the week to deliver my promised regular post.

Maybe I could even start blogging everyday from now on. I can afford the time now, anyway. I quit my job.

Let me say that again, in case it didn't sink in the first time. I quit my job.

I needed out, you guys. I needed out of feeling never connected to what I was doing. Feeling not in the midst of life, but instead floating over it all the time. I need meaning in my life. I can chip away at something, out of a sense of duty and (up until now) relying on external sources to give structure to my days. But it came down to an all or nothing question for me. And I opted for nothing, I guess.

There have been big questions nagging at me. Of culture and belonging. Self sufficiency within societal systems of responsibility. Relationships and boundaries... I don't think I paid too much attention to "the rules". I was ignorant to so many of them, going through college, and then through my first real-life jobs after college. I still managed to avoid trouble, though. My ignorance can be explained by being a first generation immigrant, not fully embraced by either one of her cultures - oh, and also by my introversion. A double whammy. Anything that an extrovert might have learned through social experience, missed me completely. I managed to avoid trouble, though, because I am mild-mannered, and when I'm not mild-mannered, I am at least somewhat thoughtful about it.

Anyway, I want to forget the rules. The rules I have been tiptoeing around all my life. The lines I've stayed inside. This map was made by someone else, so I am just constantly hovering over it, not connecting to anything on the actual terrain. So I'd like to jump down to the terrain. Forge my own map, my own lines, rules, whatever the heck you want to call them.

At the back of all this, too, I want to spend more time with my family. Make more of a concerted effort with my family.

Honestly, I don't think that the values and rules I come up with for myself will differ all that much from most peoples'. My map will look similar to everyone else's, at the end of the day. But the important part is arriving at them myself.

As I become more of an adult, I make bolder decisions. Let's hope it'll turn out for the best. I have a little bit of a financial net to catch me. I can make it for the next couple months. But after that, I need to find other ways of making money.

Wish me luck, my friends.

love,

Bao

Tattered Cover Bookstore

Life Catch-Up, and Mini Meininger Haul

On our way to our favorite Mexican restaurant :)

Hi, friends! Long time, no see! Again!

Again, I'm really, really sorry! :( I promise to be better!

True, Max pushed me to work on my blog tonight, instead of putting it off for a couple days... but I did have full intentions of coming back full force this year! I will be posting at least once a week this whole year! So you're going to get to know me a lot better! :)

I couldn't possibly tell you everything I've been up to since the last time I wrote, but, well, actually, my life is pretty uneventful, so maybe I could. Some big highlights, though:

• I started bullet journaling. And I freaking. Love it!
• I started working part time.
• I redecorated my room!

So, yeah, that wasn't so hard to sum up, actually! Hehehe.

The first week of 2017 has been chill so far for Max and me. We're coming down from the holidays, still, ya know? Plus, winter in Colorado finally started acting like winter this past week, and we've used that, too, as an excuse to not get out of the house off of our lazy bums ^^''

Today, though, we finally went out. I needed to go to Meininger for some bujo - that's short for bullet journal - supplies, and then I wanted to visit my parents in their mountain-cabin-esque house. (Oh my gosh, where my parents are living now is a story in itself - but it's their own, private story to tell, hehe.) On the way, though, we made a pit stop at our favorite little family-run Mexican restaurant in the Highlands neighborhood, where they make their own fresh tortilla chips, and the best Micheladas ever, and where we haven't had a single bad meal!

Very quick little shoot outside the restaurant, La Taqueria Mexicana, as we were excited to eat here more than anything! It's been a while for us, since this place is out of our way now. We found it when we were living in our old neighborhood n_n

Also, this is the only picture that showed my shoes, too :P

I'm wearing the coat that Maksym got me for Christmas from Greylin. If you guys can tell me what style blogger I copied this coat from, I will send you some airkisses, because that will mean that you and I follow the same influencers online, and in this huge, internet sea, that is quite some affinity-driven coincidence!

Oh, and isn't it great how Pantone named green-gold, or chartreuse as I like to say, the color of the year? That has been my favorite color for quite some time now, so I couldn't be more pleased with the choice! It makes it feel like this is gonna be a good year for me, my year :)

Max missed you guys but he, too, was more interested in tacos at the time ;P

Anyhoo, yes, onward with our journey, we went to my parents' house. We indulged in my new favorite drink to warm up on cold winter days: Lipton tea, mixed with cane sugar and ginger slices. I worked on my bullet journal, and that continued into the next couple of hours, and after we went back home, too.

Here's my little Meininger haul. I don't know how many states Meininger is in, or if it's unique to Colorado, but it's a great art store. It has notebooks and pencils and pens galore, and Max had to drag me out of there today! I behaved and only got my essentials:

Red Fabriano notebook, which is now serving as my trusty bujo, and some fountain ink refills for my Safari LAMY pen :)

Have you heard of Fabriano notebooks? I hadn't until I found them on display at Meininger one day. I fell in love with them slowly, and then all at once! They have the dot-grid that most bullet journalers want, but the grid is smaller than in Leuchturm or Moleskine notebooks. The cover is not as bendable as the Moleskine ones, or as thick and official feeling as the Leuchturms - they're just right in between, so I don't feel bad about tossing it in my purse. They have no fuss to them - just 80 sheets, a little pocket in the back, and no bookmark ribbon which I never paid attention to, anyway.

Some of my favorite tools, in my current favorite colors :) Notice the green gold? :)

Hung out in my sister's bed today working on my bujo. She had already gone back to her college town :(

Well, that's all I have to show you today, lovely readers and friends! n_n

I will be back soon -- I promise - with my hand on my heart - I will be back - soon - very soon!

So, until next time, babies!

Love,

Bao