not doing anymore weed.

 Hi all,

This is copied over from my journal to my blog. I like making myself accountable - "to the stars" sometimes I'll say, but more so, it's so I can be accountable to humans. I want to be a good human. And also I want to feel connected to the universe, but for me that cannot bypass humanity and the human mind. I think my human-ness is where I can find the most joy. And drugs take me out of my human-ness. Drugs make me short sighted, feeling like just because with drugs I can think so-called "out of this world" thoughts, that I can solve my life's problems with them. But anyway, today I made the decision not to use drugs anymore, and this is my journal entry about it, after the cut. 

How to Become Your Own Boss (When You Are a Special Snowflake Named Bao)

Dear lovies,

Yes, today you are lovies, because after all isn't it the month of love?

Don't judge me too harshly for totally buying into the Valentine's vibes. It's also Black History Month here in the states, so there might be love vibes for me from that, too, to be honest and true n_n

I know there are reasons to celebrate every day, not just one designated span of time, but I still honor the titles and significance we collectively bequeath days and months. The fact alone that certain ideals deserve at least a day for us all, in our communities, to hold and share their significance is pretty great don't you think?

Anyhoo, today I wanted to share something more personal with you, about the work I did internally to reach the decision to quit my job. When I shared the news with you, I spoke in a lot of generalities about my reasons why, and that's not what I want for us, to remain always on a level of platitudes and generalities. Also, I think the possibility exists to spark compassion and insight in others by sharing my own story of working towards compassion and insight with myself.

So, I don't know how to begin other than by beginning... here is some of the work that I did to reach where I am today, broken down into steps the best that I could manage.

In the Moment

Dear friends,

I'm afraid today is going to be a boring, photo-less post. It's Saturday. I have the next 5 days off. I am just relaxing today, and trying to figure out what I'm going to do in this mini vacation that got built into my January work schedule.

Do you ever feel like you're just laying around waiting for something to happen? Some idea to hit you, some energy to come to you that you just don't have right now, to get up and start doing something? I often do.

Now that I'm part time, people ask me, what are you doing with your extra time? Well, honestly, I am still just figuring out what to do with my extra time. I'm trying to stay busy, with this blog, with The Artist's Way workbook... but a lot of old habits from depression are present in my life. It feels strange to have more energy to do things, not knowing what to apply that energy towards. Putting myself out there more raises questions I never had to deal with before, too. Anxiety hits me about the things that I'm doing and saying. But at the same time I have a bit more resilience, to bounce back from those anxious thoughts. I'm still just adjusting.

Today, I have done enough already, I think. Cleaned the apartment with Max. Saw my friend Tran at a cafe. Took a nap. Wrote in here. I think I'll spend the rest of the evening reading... dreaming and scheming. What more to do in these precious days of part-time work and how else to take advantage of this time, to learn about myself, to lay the foundation for life the way I want to live it. I'm living it now. I should never lose sight of that.

Enjoy your present, precious friends. Life is precious.

love,

Bao

Snowy Day Spent Inside in Denver

Hi again, friends. I'm back again :)

I've just been spending the day inside relaxing and doing a little personal work. I'm currently reading through The Artist's Way workbook by Julia Cameron. So far I've made it to week 8. I'll let you know how it goes once I'm at the end. All of the things on my bulletin board in the picture above, actually, are things I've done because of assignments in that book :) Except for the little blue pic of FKA Twigs.

Today I felt like giving you a little peek of my room. I mentioned that I redecorated, and the biggest change I made, which I'm most excited for, was I got my own little desk. With the shelf next to it with all my skin care, hair care, and makeup housed in it, my desk also sometimes doubles as my vanity :) I am so grateful to have a little space in our home where I can work, and that is filled with things I love.

See where the pillow is on the floor? I intend to make that my zen and dreaming space soon, as soon as I find a small stand to place in the corner, where I can put incense. Another assignment from The Artist's Way, actually :)

There you have it, a little corner of my world :) It hasn't been clean and clutter free in a while, so today was a good time to share.

I wanted to speak a little bit about the topic of sharing today, actually. I love sharing and documenting online, as I've expressed before. That's why I started to blog, because I wanted to create an intentional space where I could share my life, thoughts, feelings, dreams, and any little thing else. The intention is to have a space of support, of recognition. Even if not many people read these words or visit, whoever does take the time to do so, I hope that you get some sense of companionship from me through my words and images.

I know how it is to be lonely. And I know the importance of having your own space - even if it is only virtual. Hey, virtual is how so many of us connect nowadays. I am renewing and deepening my intention to connect through here, and to share. Social media is not all about getting likes and followers, or at least it doesn't have to be. Blogging is helping me, and I hope that maybe it helps someone else out there, too.

My little moment of zen for today ;)

Hope you're feeling cozy, warm, and loved, wherever you are.

love,

Bao

Room to Play

Near the border of Utah visiting my sister Kitty and her boyfriend John

Empty church sign frame

The church was for sale!

Hello friends! How have you been? Well, let me tell you, I have been on vacation for the past couple weeks, so I am feeling relaxed, happy, and INSPIRED!

Have you ever felt scared to do anything, or make any decision at all? I didn't realize I had been feeling that way for a long time until a little vacation shined some sun through my clouds.

Over the past two weeks, one of my biggest breakthroughs was that I STOPPED constantly asking myself, "Once and for all, who are you, Bao?"

I've realized that since moving out, the pressure slowly mounted for me to figure out my path already. I didn't want to feel aimless anymore, and I kept blindly adopting tactics, to be practical, I told myself, but really it was to create the impression that my decisions were all leading somewhere.

One of the ways I clamped down was by trying to force myself to define my style, and buying only clothes that fit in with that rigid definition. But it wasn't even really my style, it was just my idea that everything had to be appropriate for work - in an office job I don't particularly care for. No money wasted on extraneous "experimentations". It was all business. I know I talked in my last post about frugality, but I think with style, which is important to me, I took it a bit too far.

Time and energy were other resources I was becoming way too strict about. I was very reluctant to give any of my time away, because in my mind my energy, especially, was an extremely limited resource that I worried constantly about expending. My topsy turvy schedule really takes a lot out of me, but on top of that, I didn't have much of a vision for life beyond my current job.

Now I am giving myself more room to play. I am letting myself expand just a little bit into what I feel, and what I really want to do. As a result, I have a bit more of a vision for my life! :) Funny how you think, by giving up control, you will lose direction in life, but sometimes that's what you really need to figure it out!

I can't wait to share more with you the things I'm learning, and to even show you stuff I've bought lately :) Shopping haul!! Yes, this is that kind of blog - since we're friends I have to show you what I'm excited about, right!!

I will talk to you again soon, friend, with a shopping haul. Until then I would love to hear your stories about finding inspiration again. Bye!

Love,

Bao