Yes, today you are lovies, because after all isn't it the month of love?
Don't judge me too harshly for totally buying into the Valentine's vibes. It's also Black History Month here in the states, so there might be love vibes for me from that, too, to be honest and true n_n
I know there are reasons to celebrate every day, not just one designated span of time, but I still honor the titles and significance we collectively bequeath days and months. The fact alone that certain ideals deserve at least a day for us all, in our communities, to hold and share their significance is pretty great don't you think?
Anyhoo, today I wanted to share something more personal with you, about the work I did internally to reach the decision to quit my job. When I shared the news with you, I spoke in a lot of generalities about my reasons why, and that's not what I want for us, to remain always on a level of platitudes and generalities. Also, I think the possibility exists to spark compassion and insight in others by sharing my own story of working towards compassion and insight with myself.
So, I don't know how to begin other than by beginning... here is some of the work that I did to reach where I am today, broken down into steps the best that I could manage.
The first challenge I had to work through was self worth. Out of college, not knowing anything about the working world, not knowing what qualities in myself I had to offer, which were intrinsically valuable, I naively followed the well-trodden path of working for work's sake.
Don't get me wrong, working for work's sake is honorable when you have a family who depends on you. It is a sacrifice that you make for love. However, what family needed me to feed them? My family is not rich by any means, BUT. We are Asian. Asian parents really take care of their babies, and I am their baby! I was still living with my parents. BUT. Another thing about Asians? We are really duty-bound and practical-minded. And the hope is that, with all the sacrifice Asian parents make for their babies, that the baby will then become rich and successful - or if not rich and successful, then at least stable and income-earning - and make their parents proud. Combine that with the idea that safe jobs are better than creative jobs? Baby's gotta work.
So I got into work. Not 9 to 5 - which was a luxury I yearned for! - but consistent work, 40 hours spread out over each week. I served customers over the phone for big companies. I used my innate affability and caring, and cared as hard as I could, but without knowing really what higher purpose I was serving. I also struggled with depression.
The second challenge then (or maybe really the first), was depression. When I got another job with better pay and moved out with Max, I took a huge step and sought help from a psychologist, not knowing what was wrong with me, or even if anything was wrong with me, or if that was just who I was now. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't care the same way I used to about topics that once kept me up at night exploring and questioning. With the help of my psychologist, I considered the possibility that maybe I had depression. So I then went to a psychiatrist who prescribed medication for me, which I have been taking for almost a year now.
Depression now managed a little better, the final challenge for me was catching up with my potential. I looked at my life, at the plans I had always had. I mourned the days of college that I could have spent truly living out my curiosity about the world and developing more fully into who I am, but that I instead spent isolated in the dark of my studio apartment. I looked at the plans and ideas I had always had and kept putting off for another day. I had always told myself I just wasn't disciplined enough, or that I wanted too much. But the process of healing through therapy and treatment had shown me another way.
So in the end, I really needed to just give myself the time that I needed, to expand into who I've always been. With the support that I found, the lessons I've learned along the way, I just couldn't continue living the life that I was living anymore. Plain and simple, I had been in a dark cocoon for too long. Depression had darkened that cocoon. Max showed me love and the possibility of light. Therapy and treatment injected medicine. Work, though I did not stay, gave me some of the means to work through this cocoon. I would not have been able to afford any of this treatment without work, after all.
All of these struggles served some purpose to shape who I am. But now that I am who I am, I can no longer stay inside where I was.
So that's why I quit, and why I'm trying to become more vibrant and fly now. :)
Love,
Bao
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