a diary of things

 today i did a lot of things, and bought a lot of things.

i bought the dyson airstyler. which i am going to immediately complain about to Dyson when it arrives, because the newest iteration they put out has one less attachment brush than the previous iterations, but still costs the same. plus it doesn't have the hard leather case, either, but instead a soft, foldable "travel case". They should charge at least $70 less!

i bought sunless tanner at Target. they are having a "14 days of beauty" event going on, where every day a different item in the beauty section is discounted. today was the day I was waiting for, because the sunless tanners were on sale for 30% off! Woo! as I type to you, I am a lovely shade of golden creme brulee.

i love my room now. it is my oasis. it has everything i need.

my room has curtains, on a curtain rod that holds two layers of drapes, sheer ones, and blackout curtains so i can envelop myself in complete darkness for sleep. that's the only way I can sleep.

it has my beautiful desk.

it has a very comfortable twin size mattress from Helix. with sumptuous linen sheets from Etsy, and a beautiful abstract cloud-design duvet cover from West Elm. The comforter itself is from Buffy.

my room has an armchair which is the perfect width for sitting back in and giving myself pedicures. the armchair also folds out into another bed, should anyone ever stay over.

it has a humidifier. it gives me blissful sleep. 

it has candles. it has a lamp. a ceiling fan.

the items I use less often: the TV. the foot spa my friend gifted me recently for my birthday! n_n but when I do use the foot spa, man is it a relaxing, fun time. my meditation cushion. I am getting back into the habit of meditating again, so this last item is getting more use.

i love my room. the only thing i can't do in my room anymore is yoga, because there is now not enough floor space in my room to do yoga. A shame. 

i love the color of my nails right now! they are the color of green olives!

it's going to be my birthday soon. i'll need to pack a bag for the weekend. Max, Kitty, John, and I are going to drive to Glenwood Springs on Saturday and stay overnight at a hotel. we'll soak in the hot springs and play games in our hotel room, maybe watch a movie, or whatnot.

I turn 31 on the 30th. I am having a low-intensity, simmering midlife crisis. wondering what i should do next in terms of career.

life is good, though. i'm sure I'll figure it out :) 

swervy

 Jeesh,

I feel like I am totally hungover. I'm just gonna keep writing until something good comes out, okay? 

Why do I talk better with my fingers than I do with my mouth? I don't know. I feel like my fingers can keep up with me; these mobile, nimble agents. And then my mouth is part of my face, which I am ever so conscious of. Ever since I was little, people would ask me the same questions. Something about my accent, and something about my race. "Why can't I understand her?" "Oh, because she's nguoi hue, nguoi hue are so hard to understand." "Con, is one of your parents white?" I don't even remember what I used to answer them. I didn't know how those questions applied to me. But one thing for sure is I've always felt a little bit different.

I have been hurt so many times before in the past. Hurt in ways that I didn't even comprehend at the time. A lot of emotions, among them anger, have been pouring forth from me lately when I sit and reflect on the experiences I've had directly tied to, or in the parameters of, sex. I have such a topsy turvy landscape of sexual relationships, or relationships that were tinged with sexual elements. But, just in general, my relationships - with myself, and with others - and the subconscious forces at play in those relationships have been an object of scrutiny by me, using the lens of feminism and trauma-informed psychological mumbo jumbo that I've mosaicked together from my desultory readings. It's bringing up a lot of feelings and it's depressing my mood, and I've got to go back to therapy for this shit now.

But this year is going to be SO. GOOD. I can feel it! I'm turning 31 at the end of this month, and I've lost 10 pounds, and still going to lose a bit more. I'm feeling a bit more attractive. Don't get me wrong, I still think I'm cute when I am heavier - and this was the first time I ever let myself get heavier, so now I know that I'm still cute :D But I just want to control my appearance a little to fit my aesthetic. I'm bougie like that, making efforts heedless of expense to attain my standard of living. Also, I'm a healthy, cosseted little Asian girl, and so I should keep some firmness in my body to show that I'm not a total layabout. 

I probably shouldn't talk about myself like that, saying things like "cosseted little Asian girl." It is devaluing myself, as I am more than a girl. I am not little. I may be cosseted by my parents, compared to many, but I am of a breed that was born well and tries to live well, in health and in deed. 

Life is so good right now. I am still living with my parents. Max is still living with his. My room is so badass. I finally have this desk that took 6 months to get to me. I supported an indie company on a crowdfunding website. I ordered the desk back in September or October, and I finally got it delivered to me on Thursday. Max and my dad put it together for me. It is like a sculpture in my room, a piece of art. I feel like I can do anything at this desk!

I'll talk to you later.

Bao