swervy

 Jeesh,

I feel like I am totally hungover. I'm just gonna keep writing until something good comes out, okay? 

Why do I talk better with my fingers than I do with my mouth? I don't know. I feel like my fingers can keep up with me; these mobile, nimble agents. And then my mouth is part of my face, which I am ever so conscious of. Ever since I was little, people would ask me the same questions. Something about my accent, and something about my race. "Why can't I understand her?" "Oh, because she's nguoi hue, nguoi hue are so hard to understand." "Con, is one of your parents white?" I don't even remember what I used to answer them. I didn't know how those questions applied to me. But one thing for sure is I've always felt a little bit different.

I have been hurt so many times before in the past. Hurt in ways that I didn't even comprehend at the time. A lot of emotions, among them anger, have been pouring forth from me lately when I sit and reflect on the experiences I've had directly tied to, or in the parameters of, sex. I have such a topsy turvy landscape of sexual relationships, or relationships that were tinged with sexual elements. But, just in general, my relationships - with myself, and with others - and the subconscious forces at play in those relationships have been an object of scrutiny by me, using the lens of feminism and trauma-informed psychological mumbo jumbo that I've mosaicked together from my desultory readings. It's bringing up a lot of feelings and it's depressing my mood, and I've got to go back to therapy for this shit now.

But this year is going to be SO. GOOD. I can feel it! I'm turning 31 at the end of this month, and I've lost 10 pounds, and still going to lose a bit more. I'm feeling a bit more attractive. Don't get me wrong, I still think I'm cute when I am heavier - and this was the first time I ever let myself get heavier, so now I know that I'm still cute :D But I just want to control my appearance a little to fit my aesthetic. I'm bougie like that, making efforts heedless of expense to attain my standard of living. Also, I'm a healthy, cosseted little Asian girl, and so I should keep some firmness in my body to show that I'm not a total layabout. 

I probably shouldn't talk about myself like that, saying things like "cosseted little Asian girl." It is devaluing myself, as I am more than a girl. I am not little. I may be cosseted by my parents, compared to many, but I am of a breed that was born well and tries to live well, in health and in deed. 

Life is so good right now. I am still living with my parents. Max is still living with his. My room is so badass. I finally have this desk that took 6 months to get to me. I supported an indie company on a crowdfunding website. I ordered the desk back in September or October, and I finally got it delivered to me on Thursday. Max and my dad put it together for me. It is like a sculpture in my room, a piece of art. I feel like I can do anything at this desk!

I'll talk to you later.

Bao