not doing anymore weed.

 Hi all,

This is copied over from my journal to my blog. I like making myself accountable - "to the stars" sometimes I'll say, but more so, it's so I can be accountable to humans. I want to be a good human. And also I want to feel connected to the universe, but for me that cannot bypass humanity and the human mind. I think my human-ness is where I can find the most joy. And drugs take me out of my human-ness. Drugs make me short sighted, feeling like just because with drugs I can think so-called "out of this world" thoughts, that I can solve my life's problems with them. But anyway, today I made the decision not to use drugs anymore, and this is my journal entry about it, after the cut. 

Dear bullet journal, 

I am making a responsible decision not to indulge in marijuana use anymore. It is a decision I've tried and failed to commit to before, my vacillations spurred on by a belief that marijuana frees me. But in truth, marijuana keeps me lost in the woods of my mind. And I didn't notice before because I was just frolicking. But now I need stability. I need direction and progress in getting out of the woods. I need an ability not just to revel, but also to meditate.

After the weekend getting high every day, I was out of touch too much with reality. I felt all the loose threads in the fiber of my being, and felt that the task of gathering up all those frayed, loose threads was beyond my capacity today. It is definitely a luxury to be able to take a break. It is a luxury that I do not take lightly. The people in my life who care for me deserve me at my best. I will do my best for them, showing up with intention and lucidity in the life that we share. I will do my best for myself above all - eschewing drug use in favor of the rewarding and challenging work of life building. It will all be worth it, because I want my life to be something I can be proud of.